Friday, August 19, 2005

If George were leader...

Using my superhuman powers of telepathic historical revisionism, following is a sample of stories from newspapers should George have been ruling during monumental events in world history.

Dateline: 12/08/41. President George Bush addressed congress today following the attack by Japan on Pearl Harbor. Calling 12/07/41 a "Date which will live in ignominin..y" the president called on Congress to lower taxes, then to declare war on Japan. Anonymous administration sources report the President will respond to the attack by sending an aircraft carrier offshore of Japan and having a task force led by Lt. Col. James Doolittle bomb Tokyo. American forces will then be sent to invade Vladovostok Russia in what administration hawks say will be a "blow to the geographic center" of the enemy. When questioning arose from an expert in Asian affairs as to the value of invading Russia in response to an attack from Japan, his wifes role in intercepting Japanese naval communications was disclosed.

Dateline: 09/02/39. Prime minister George Bush addressed the nation via radio to announce the declaration of war on Germany in response to its invasion of Poland. Declaring his faith in the resolve of the British people the prime minister vowed to end the "death tax". Sources inside parliament confirmed the prime ministers resolve to punish Hitler by invading France. Parliamentary hawks point out that the French talk "girly" and also announced that the term "French fries" would no longer be used but replaced with "Spitfries", so named to sound like the backbone of the English airforce, the spitfire. 1st lord of the Admiralty Winston Churchill is quoted as saying "when will this idiot stand aside so I can win this war?"

Dateline: 04/14/61. South Carolina governor George Bush ushered in the great Civil War on 04/12/61 by ordering the 4th Brigade of South Carolina militia to "raise the flag and go!" After the fall of Fort Sumter governor Bush's inner circle of firebrands expressed confidence that Canada would surrender before Thanksgiving. When incredulous newspapermen asked what he intended to do about Abe Lincoln in Washington D.C. governor Bush replied: "Oh I really dont spend much time worrying about him."

I could carry on about this all freaking day... but you get the point!

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