Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Scott McClellan interviews Baghdad Bob!

The setting: A morose B.B. sits naked on a chair, wires attached to his testicles. The only light in the room is a giant spotlight trained full in the face of B.B. He faces a huge wooden desk but cant see who may be behind it due to the blinding light. The blasting Charley Daniels music is suddenly cut off, as a shadowy figure stands up from behind the desk and leans forward. Upon hearing the voice for the 1st time a slight look of understanding passes over B.B.'s face. His interrogator this time is the replacement of his former counterpart from Washington when B.B. was spinning his own reality. He will now answer the questions posed by Scott McClellan.

Q: Do you remember the press briefings you gave during the invasion of Iraq?
A: Yes, quite clearly.
Q: *slightly tense voice from Scott* I want to know how you managed to keep a shred of your self respect when you were denying obvious truths evident to any person over the age of two?
A: Well when the big guy tells you to say what-not you just say it... AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!

McClellan waved off the reservist holding the crank and felt sorry for B.B. as a wisp of smoke rose over the chair. He took the crank and placed it on the desk. He somehow understood what must be Bobs sense of hopelessness as he faced a questioner who already knew the answers, and he felt compassion for Bob. Besides, these flunkies with the cranks were notoriously quick with a turn of the wrist... Bob really hadn't even said anything untruthful with that last answer actually!

Q: I'm sorry about that Bob... Now when you say the big guy you mean...?
A: You know... the great leader. The one who knows all. The great teller of truth. He who cannot be wrong. The fount of wisdon, the purvey...

McClellan was wrestling the reservist away from the desk... so he missed the remainder of the answer. He decided to dismiss the flunky and then continued the questioning.

Q: Remember the day you insisted Baghdad was not under attack, and then you took the press on a tour and there were American tanks rolling through the streets? How could you possibly continue to justify that response?
A: Well if you recall, that matter was still under investigation by the republican guard.

Scott could tell there was no getting through to Bob with the use of reason alone. He decided to try another tack.

Q: When Saddams sons in laws and daughters fled to Jordan in fear of their lives were you aware that they were high level operatives in your countries weapons programs?
A: Well the daughters were in Iraqs Who's Who in Government book so they weren't actually what you would call operatives. Further the sons were placed in that position only because some relative of theirs suggested they were good for that job so they were discredited for that reason alone.

Scott sighed and called for the flunky again... he could not bring himself to be the one who twisted that handle but it was just so freaking difficult talking to this moron! In some small way though, Scott felt he had seen the enemy, and it was him...

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