Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Terror Cat of Connecticut

I'm having political writers block today. Goodness knows it's been slow what with Andrew Card out, Tom Delay opening his trap, the President effectively declaring who should not be Iraq's next Prime Minister, and the Senate deciding they like the way they control their ethics oversight just fine the way it is. But not having the ingenuity to say anything pithy about all that, and out of a fear of having Rustee, the feline ruler of my house find out that I did not post a cat story after tripping over it, I decided to post today on the story of Lewis... The Terror Cat of Connecticut. As related by the Connecticut Post:
Lewis, a 5-year-old, black-and-white longhaired cat, attacked at least a half-dozen people on the cul-de-sac and even took on the local Avon lady, neighbors say.

"He looks like Felix the Cat and has six toes on each foot each with a long claw," Sunset Circle resident Janet Kettman said. "They are formidable weapons."

Kettman said Lewis attacked her twice.
1st off, it should be obvious to anyone who cares why Lewis has issues. He has SIX toes on each foot! Obviously poor Lewis is the victim of some sort of horrible chemical/radiological/genetic mistake and in his addled brain whenever he takes on one of the neighbors, he is actually on the vast plains of the Serengeti with his lion brethren taking down an antelope.

Also, let me just assure this poor victim that the fact is that Lewis is merely playing with her. Being owned by a cat myself I know full well that if Lewis actually intended to do her harm she would either be hospitalized or dead right now!
"The Avon lady was getting out of her car when Lewis attacked her from behind," Kettman said. "She ended up going to the hospital."
Ok... I'll grant that the attack on the Avon lady by Lewis was probably with intent to injure. But she should at least be happy that after the amputation she can expect a full recovery.
Kettman called the Fairfield Police Department's animal control officer.

"I don't feel the cat could kill anybody, but it could latch onto people's legs and arms and bite and scratch to the point where they could be hospitalized," said Animal Control Officer Rachel Solveira.
So now it becomes apparent why Lewis has it in for Ms. Kettman. She narked on him! The reaction by the local authorities is nothing short of hilarious...
Solveira was so concerned about Lewis' attacks in the neighborhood of neatly kept homes off High Street that she placed a restraining order on him. It was the first time such an action was taken against a cat in Fairfield and possibly in the state. In effect, Lewis is under house arrest, forbidden to leave his home.
Hah! A restraining order on a CAT!! Rustee the terrible has been trying for over a year to have a restraining order served on me and my fiancee, that only allows us to put out food and water and to leave him alone at all other times (unless he signifies he needs petting by rubbing against our legs or flopping over on our feet purring or some other such obvious signal). Unfortunately he does not have opposable thumbs with which to sign the court documents. But I digress...
At first, the restraining order allowed the cat limited freedom if Cisero gave him Prozac. But the cat refused to take the drug, Cisero said. And it got out of the house and attacked another neighbor, Maureen Bachtig, according to police.
Oh lawdy lawdy lawdy! I am now trying to type coherently as tears of laughter stream down my face. A terror cat on Prozak! This seriously could make a great movie. I simply can not wait til we have dash cam footage of Lewis on a rampage and then being arrested and read his rights.

Reaching the end of the story we are left with this chilling picture:
"The neighborhood is afraid of this cat," Bachtig said. "Lewis will stare you down, and you never know how he will react."
Hey lady here's an idea! Don't get into stare downs with the insane terror cat cause he's gonna get ya!!

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