Thursday, May 25, 2006

What Bush really means... a parody

Check out how the President ends the statement he made announcing that he was ordering the records seized from the offices of William Jefferson sealed for 45 days.
Let me be clear: investigating and prosecuting crime is a crucial executive responsibility that I take seriously. Those who violate the law - including a Member of Congress - should and will be held to account. This investigation will go forward, and justice will be served.
Let us take this statement clause by clause and dissect what the President actually means.

When Bush says, "Let me be clear": he means let me obfuscate and dissemble while sounding concise and tough. But it sounds better to say "let me be clear" than the opposite.

When Bush says, "investigating and prosecuting crime is a crucial executive responsibility that I take seriously", he actually means: stonewalling and obstructing justice is a crucial executive activity. He still has Karl Rove on the payroll. The same man who now admits he helped expose a CIA agent, and then was instrumental in obstructing the investigation into that event is currently part of the very administration that now so vociferously lays claim to the legal high ground.

In fact just listening to administration justifications and protests about the NSA spy program has convinced me that installing and conducting a criminal enterprise is a crucial executive activity. One that Bush does indeed take seriously.

Curses on Jefferson for bringing us to a point where Bush seems like the agent of reason for sealing records seized with the issuance of a warrant. Bush and his administration toadies ought to be the ones trembling at the thought of FBI agents kicking down the door to get the goods on a criminal enterprise.

Bush says: "Those who violate the law - including a Member of Congress - should and will be held to account." He ought to have placed an asterisk at the end of that sentence with a footnote reading as follows: "This does not necessarily apply to certain executive branch personal, certain defense department personal, the nsa, the upper management of the major oil companies, any current member of the fortune 500, certain lobbyists, or anyone recognized by the head of homeland security, the secretary of interior, or the vice president or his designated representative pursuant to clause 463.5 subsection 64 paragraph 13 of federal registry entry 21095 in the year of our lord 1924."

When Bush says: "should and will be held to account" he ought to have followed that with the following sentence. "If that Congresscritter is a Republican the investigation and prosecution of said member will be left to the lower/midlevel career members of the DOJ who actually care about this kind of thing. This will only be allowed if the perp was so blatant in their misconduct that the national news is running stories showing the misdeed being committed. If on the other hand the person in question is a traitor Democrat, this will go straight to A.G. (stands for Ah'm Gonzo) or some political appointee directly under AG's supervision."

Finally when Bush says: "This investigation will go forward, and justice will be served" he really meant it. However he had to be reassured repeatedly by advisors prior to putting that out there that he wasn't talking about the Plame outing, or NSA spying, or Tom Delay, or prewar use of intelligence, or... well you get the point.

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